Autumnal Steeple

Day VI

Vices: solely caffeine. Infinite Blend.

First time in years I feel like I'm actually growing. Like I actually don't have to live my life kow- towing to the viscissitudes of some postulated cycle. No more intermittent rounds on the quarter decade ferris wheel. No more internalizing; no more whining, No more blaming the arid soil of my past for my emotionally enervated status quo. NO more measuring your self-worth through copious rounds at the bar; through ersatz romantic encounters, through rushed material merit, through affable credit ratings, through the steady nod of society's assenting chin.

For the first times, in years, I feel like I actually have the capacity to grow. And it's been so long--probably since junior high (no shit) that I've felt this way. For so long my future was dim. Not the light at the end fo the tunnel. Not the train at the other end. It was non-existent. The sodden fleece sloppily shaved off the hide of my familial Black sheep. The eldest son; the cauterwauling; crying, trying to find the origin of his name, gutting the curved innards from the stomach lining of the alphabet, scraping out millions of syllables in the process.